Stand-Up Jokes To Fix Your Awful Thanksgiving

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Netflix Is A Joke

2 ヶ月 前

We didn't make you mashed potatoes, but we did whip up this three course of Thanksgiving jokes to help you get through today. Bert Kreischer: Secret Time, Ronny Chieng: Asian Comedian Destroys America, and John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous are now streaming on Netflix.
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Elijah Merritt
Elijah Merritt 4 日 前
*cough! Yang gang...
San the Man
San the Man 5 日 前
2:00 oh yeah? my last TWO girlfriends had no idea what Australia was. You might be asking " what do you mean? in what way?" and I mean what I said, in every way possible. They wouldn't be able to point at it on a world map, they have no idea where kangaroos are from, they think didgeridoos were invented by hippies, they would probably guess they speak Austrian, they think Steve Erwin was just a real cheeky fellow and that all australian people are British. Ofcourse this feeds into the narrative of the Australia denialists that live around these parts. How can you argue with, "if australia was real, wouldn't your girlfriend have heard of it by now?"
Lloyd Avontuur
Lloyd Avontuur 13 日 前
Ronny is a beast man. He's special was awesome.
Drake Sorrento
Drake Sorrento 20 日 前
Real tip, if you don't want dry turkey. let it rest!!!!! Use a thermometer and let it rest!!!! Past 3 thanksgivings we haven't hosted and have had the driest turkey. Luckily this year it is my wife's turn and she makes that WAT!
Susan Andris
Susan Andris 23 日 前
The endurable expansion startlingly flap because growth reversely fancy out a faded acknowledgment. greedy, rude blizzard
The New Lollipop Jam
The New Lollipop Jam ヶ月 前
Hope John can make it through rehab and stay clean.
Al ヶ月 前
Jesus invented Thanksgiving for Americans and Canadians.
2018-2019 Cloud
2018-2019 Cloud ヶ月 前
Bert is the awful of Thanks, why Giving him?
Stormy Sensei
Stormy Sensei ヶ月 前
Mulaney with the rare husband W
odge balownee
odge balownee ヶ月 前
China shuts down for a week in oct for National day /Golden week lol
alightened ヶ月 前
This is hysterical hahahah. We don’t shut down for ANYTHING.
Xiao Laoshu
Xiao Laoshu ヶ月 前
Ronny Chieng, is he supposed to be funny? It's like he got a joke book from the 1980s.
Rauhaan Inamdar
Rauhaan Inamdar ヶ月 前
who tf names their daughter pertunia
63ah1275 ヶ月 前
Turkey is only dry if you can't cook and fuck it up.
Chinmay Borkar
Chinmay Borkar ヶ月 前
We will work while you are eating.... 😂😂😂😂
Linda Moruela
Linda Moruela ヶ月 前
The somber kidney prominently ski because pest typically cheer next a average chef. unbiased, difficult forehead
Grookey Gang
Grookey Gang ヶ月 前
John Mulaney is simultaneously the gayest and straightest man.
Queen Jhoni
Queen Jhoni ヶ月 前
fu*k turkey it's dry lol
BellaalleB1234 ヶ月 前
Why does the first guy not have a shirt lol
Loren Hitchcock
Loren Hitchcock ヶ月 前
It’s his schtick. He always takes it off in the beginning.
Happy SpaceInvader
Happy SpaceInvader ヶ月 前
03:20 The waist measurement comes first, so that should have been 30/38.
Mark Donovan
Mark Donovan ヶ月 前
Maybe he's short and fat
dave oneil
dave oneil ヶ月 前
Nobody has a clue what thanksgiving is here
Frank Smith
Frank Smith ヶ月 前
Welp Bert isnt funny.
Captain Jaws
Captain Jaws ヶ月 前
Ouch, that hits me right in the Yang.
Kai Outlaw
Kai Outlaw ヶ月 前
No, but chinese buffets are closed on Monday. Yeah,
Ashton Bollschweiler
Ashton Bollschweiler ヶ月 前
I did not laugh one single fucking time.
edward Shaw
edward Shaw ヶ月 前
Vote for Asians, we will work while your eating. That’s literally my family motto.
Nodel Oliver
Nodel Oliver ヶ月 前
I agree with Andrew Yang. Hilarious, but true.
Winter Val Thanne
Winter Val Thanne ヶ月 前
"Fuck turkey it's dry," was my line a few years ago when I served Chinese food for thanksgiving 🤣🤣🤣
Margaret Ransdell-Green
Margaret Ransdell-Green ヶ月 前
“harnessing the power of asians in government” oh so what we did here in Hawaii. 😂
Sarah Talpas
Sarah Talpas ヶ月 前
I’m half Asian. So I work while I eat.
Austin Davis
Austin Davis ヶ月 前
John Mulaney's part killed me when his wife said "Thanksgiving"
Austin Whisler
Austin Whisler ヶ月 前
Asian governments have never been an issue, N. Korea and China prefer to be enslaved
Syke Raps
Syke Raps ヶ月 前
They way they start this video is almost like theyre trying to get people to think berts joke is about race the way they cut it to preference it. Kinda obviously intentional
Filip Orvik
Filip Orvik ヶ月 前
Ronny Chieng is so funny. Pissed all the time.
Marco Womack green
Marco Womack green ヶ月 前
Shit them asians shut down on Sundays I know that
Mike Stark
Mike Stark ヶ月 前
I'm living in Taiwan rn and lemme tell you that everything Ronny said is true. They don't shut down for anything but hell the government is efficient af. No covid here
Isobel McArthur
Isobel McArthur ヶ月 前
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Alpha Lazer Were Cat
Alpha Lazer Were Cat ヶ月 前
Thank You, just Thank You, in the Passover they weren't celebrating Thanksgiving, NO they were celebrating the world's human population's being freed from SIN!😌
Frida Guerra
Frida Guerra ヶ月 前
wow john mulaney is just wow... he has the audience in the palm of his hand... those LAUGHS just wow
Runs with Bulls
Runs with Bulls 5 日 前
He's got you in the palm of his hands.
Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson 27 日 前
Hes got coke in his nose too
Bat Brick
Bat Brick ヶ月 前
Ooh Thanksgiving jokes! John Mulaney, fast forward, fast forward, fast forward, fast forward, fast forward, fast forward, Ronny Chieng! Great comedians.
Sakura Moonflower
Sakura Moonflower ヶ月 前
I love not only that the "turkey" mention was John Mulaney's thin red line: it was mine too, because I knew turkeys are indigenous to North America and were not historically present in the middle east during biblical times. XD
Mike Stark
Mike Stark ヶ月 前
To anyone who sees this: Happy Thanksgiving
RebelWithACause ヶ月 前
Problem with Asian government is sometimes they go a little *too hard* ...but otherwise yea. Look at the videos of those guys building infrastructure like bridges, highways, etc....crazy efficient/organized teamwork.
Dwayne Dionne
Dwayne Dionne ヶ月 前
Hey last guy... Use your asian super power and make a moist turkey! Yeah I said it... Moist!
Chef Banjo
Chef Banjo ヶ月 前
“Vote for the Asians when you get the chance.” Look, I tried, no one else liked Andrew Yang.
Quiet_ Kid
Quiet_ Kid 19 日 前
I LOVE Yang! 🥺😞
The Ururun User
The Ururun User ヶ月 前
Everyone I knew personally was in it for YANG GANG. Even my professor but he just dropped out for some reason
Chef Banjo
Chef Banjo ヶ月 前
@* gr See, what we’re not gonna do is split the vote.
* gr
* gr ヶ月 前
Yang 2024!
Izora Johnson
Izora Johnson ヶ月 前
I definitely did 😭
D in Colorado
D in Colorado ヶ月 前
"We'll work while you're eating!"
Isobel McArthur
Isobel McArthur ヶ月 前
"We'll work while you're eating!"
Fishing With Eddie
Fishing With Eddie ヶ月 前
It’s the machine
maggot emma
maggot emma ヶ月 前
im a simple woman, i see john, i click
Nakul sri
Nakul sri ヶ月 前
Happy Thanksgiving to all 🇮🇳🇶🇦
Lil Skrimp
Lil Skrimp ヶ月 前
Good bit, but an all Asian government is basically China, and we all know how that is
Purrk ヶ月 前
Voting for asains indefinitely now
Yoh Voys
Yoh Voys ヶ月 前
Can anyone eat chicken instead of turkey in Thanksgiving in America? Or does it have to be turkey? I don't know much about it.
Ahmed Monir
Ahmed Monir ヶ月 前
What is The Table Spread In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.[5:110] When Allah saith: O Jesus, son of Mary! Remember My favour unto thee and unto thy mother; how I strengthened thee with the holy Spirit, so that thou spakest unto mankind in the cradle as in maturity; and how I taught thee the Scripture and Wisdom and the Torah and the Gospel; and how thou didst shape of clay as it were the likeness of a bird by My permission, and didst blow upon it and it was a bird by My permission, and thou didst heal him who was born blind and the leper by My permission; and how thou didst raise the dead by My permission; and how I restrained the Children of Israel from (harming) thee when thou camest unto them with clear proofs, and those of them who disbelieved exclaimed: This is naught else than mere magic; 5:111] And when I inspired the disciples, (saying): Believe in Me and in My messenger, they said: We believe. Bear witness that we have surrendered (unto Thee) "we are muslims". [5:112] When the disciples said: O Jesus, son of Mary! Is thy Lord able to send down for us a table spread with food from heaven ? He said: Observe your duty to Allah, if ye are true believers. 5:113] (They said:) We wish to eat thereof, that we may satisfy our hearts and know that thou hast spoken truth to us, and that thereof we may be witnesses. 5:114] Jesus, son of Mary, said: O Allah, Lord of us! Send down for us a table spread with food from heaven, that it may be a feast for us, for the first of us and for the last of us, and a sign from Thee. Give us sustenance, for Thou art the Best of Sustainers. [5:115] Allah said: Lo! I send it down for you. And whoso disbelieveth of you afterward, him surely will I punish with a punishment wherewith I have not punished any of (My) creatures. [5:116] And when Allah saith: O Jesus, son of Mary! Didst thou say unto mankind: Take me and my mother for two gods beside Allah ? he saith: Be glorified! It was not mine to utter that to which I had no right. If I used to say it, then Thou knewest it. Thou knowest what is in my mind, and I know not what is in Thy Mind. Lo! Thou, only Thou, art the Knower of Things Hidden ? [5:117] I spake unto them only that which Thou commandedst me, (saying): Worship Allah, my Lord and your Lord. I was a witness of them while I dwelt among them, and when Thou tookest me Thou wast the Watcher over them. Thou art Witness over all things. [5:118] If Thou punish them, lo! they are Thy slaves, and if Thou forgive them (lo! they are Thy slaves). Lo! Thou, only Thou, art the Mighty, the Wise. [5:119] Allah saith: This is a day in which their truthfulness profiteth the truthful, for theirs are Gardens underneath which rivers flow, wherein they are secure for ever, Allah taking pleasure in them and they in Him. That is the great triumph. [5:120] Unto Allah belongeth the Sovereignty of the heavens and the earth and whatsoever is therein, and He is Able to do all things.
Isaac Guillen
Isaac Guillen ヶ月 前
"Fuck Turkey it's dry!" 🤣🤣🤣 So true!!!
Slick Rick
Slick Rick ヶ月 前
Burt is a hack I can only tolerate him on 2 bears
Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby ヶ月 前
John is straight?
Michael Olajuwon
Michael Olajuwon ヶ月 前
Lol why the first comedian remind me of Barry Allen from the flash show 🤔😅
David Elligott
David Elligott ヶ月 前
Ronny Chieng has a steep V in his Vulcan salute, holy crap
KDC RunThat
KDC RunThat ヶ月 前
As opposed to....webbed fingers?
John Kwiatkowski
John Kwiatkowski ヶ月 前
Our turkey are juicy.
"Once There Was An Ugly Barnacle, He Was SO Ugly That Everyone Died, the end" -Patrick Pinhead Star
"Once There Was An Ugly Barnacle, He Was SO Ugly That Everyone Died, the end" -Patrick Pinhead Star ヶ月 前
John Mulaneys wife thought pilgrims came to America over 2000 years ago
Julie Perriello
Julie Perriello 24 日 前
@Joanna Glahn I am a Mormon! And a Mormon *just* believes!
Joanna Glahn
Joanna Glahn 24 日 前
"I belieeeeeve that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to Americaa!"
Julie Perriello
Julie Perriello ヶ月 前
@Jessica Stein Are you a member of the Church of Jesus Christ by Latter-Day Saints?
Jessica Stein
Jessica Stein ヶ月 前
It was the Great Exodus to escape Egyptian rule. Moses parted the Atlantic Ocean to find the land of milk and honey in present-day Salt Lake City
Matias Faundez
Matias Faundez ヶ月 前
Anyone complaining about turkey being dry is because you clearly don’t know how to cook your meats.
Martin Aguilar
Martin Aguilar ヶ月 前
Happy thanksgiving
Hannibal Bexus
Hannibal Bexus ヶ月 前
Turkey is not dry when you know what you're doing.
Hannibal Bexus
Hannibal Bexus ヶ月 前
@Alexis Grunden step 1. Cook the turkey. Don't over Cook it. Step 2. Wait 20 minutes. Don't cut it. That's it. Dont over cook it and don't cut it right away. Most people don't understand why, so they ignore it. Then, blame the turkey when it's dry.
Alexis Grunden
Alexis Grunden ヶ月 前
Given how many TIFU cooking fail photos there are on the internet? I'm pretty sure a lot of people don't really understand the concept of basting, much less what a roasting bag is~
Madeline Medellin
Madeline Medellin ヶ月 前
As a first-generation kid in America growing up it was so confusing Thanksgiving Day to me because it was just a holiday push on me by my school.
Fanny Alonzo
Fanny Alonzo ヶ月 前
I am a big fan of John Mulaney's wife.
Mac Murray
Mac Murray ヶ月 前
Gary Murphy
Gary Murphy ヶ月 前
The Asian guy got my like! Solid set man!
Squangel Nutz
Squangel Nutz ヶ月 前
Thanksgiving: slaughter day
Chandra Star
Chandra Star ヶ月 前
That last guy's funny. China occupied Tibet, not so funny.
Karen Day
Karen Day ヶ月 前
Omg I howled!
Stealth Archers Anonymous
Stealth Archers Anonymous ヶ月 前
John Mulaney is awesome, I really like him. On the flip side, Russian Winnie the Pooh goes shirtless so often I’m surprised he isn’t dead from lack of service.
Kevin Kossow
Kevin Kossow ヶ月 前
You should not name anyone Petunia
Haraldr Haldefjürd
Haraldr Haldefjürd ヶ月 前
Wuhan shut down pretty hard
whochairs ヶ月 前
With Bert coming up first, I was expecting him to discuss the "fucking turkey" thing literally, considering his affinity for fucking dogs. Looks like he's past that though, hes really one of the best comics out these days but you can smell Bart on stage from the audience... and that's at his drive in shows!
R M ヶ月 前
jesus, didn’t know so many people have no taste. mulaney is fucking hilarious. best modern comic.
The Shadow
The Shadow ヶ月 前
I don’t know why but I absolutely hate it when the crowd cheers instead of laughing
Sludgedump ヶ月 前
iam gremliana_69
iam gremliana_69 ヶ月 前
My sister had to take my nephew to the doctors and he peed in her so I went to Forever 21 and got her a new outfit. She was worried about the price tags cuz I left them on. She's like I can't wear this it's to expensive. "Why it's not my money, it's forever's money, I'll pay them back in portions it's ok now go change." It's was my whole don't worry I got money gloating thing.
Warren Dourond
Warren Dourond ヶ月 前
Hmmm... have you been to an Asian country? Not all Asians are like the ones that immigrate. I am sure if you met an American that was living in China, they would be driven, worldly and educated, with an interest in learning new things and discovering new cultures. Not like everyone who stayed home, thinking America is the whole world.
Chris Hansen
Chris Hansen ヶ月 前
Turkey dry? I think your wife just can’t cook
Nattasha Campos
Nattasha Campos ヶ月 前
at 3:14 what does he say? he may a beeline out of....?
steph m
steph m ヶ月 前
Dated a Chinese guy. Def how they roll. 😄
Rachel Fox
Rachel Fox ヶ月 前
The funniest part about the John Mulaney story on The Last Supper is that his wife is Jewish and Jesus and his disciples were celebrating Passover.
Simply Human
Simply Human 12 日 前
@Lauren Lanterns just sounds like an (excuse) to get rid of some people. But thank you for the enlightenment.
Simply Human
Simply Human 12 日 前
@Diana B cool. I'll think about it.
Lauren Lanterns
Lauren Lanterns 13 日 前
@Simply Human the angel of death passed over (Passover) the Jewish slaves’ households in Egypt. It was the last straw for Pharaoh, he let the Jews go after that
Diana B
Diana B 16 日 前
@Simply Human it’s a jewish holiday look it up
Simply Human
Simply Human 20 日 前
What's a Passover? Is a comet coming by?
RotaryBro ヶ月 前
Turkey Is dry because your ass can't cook! The End
Cadillac Deville
Cadillac Deville ヶ月 前
Bert reminds me of Gary Owens 🤣😂
Cadillac Deville
Cadillac Deville ヶ月 前
Chrissie K
Chrissie K ヶ月 前
Thanks-giving-what?.. - rest of the world.
Blaze ヶ月 前
Check out this new hit single Seperate Ways - Joey Nelson please favorite, follow, and share
señor ヶ月 前
From thumbnail i thought they were taking about the country , then i read the title .
slickxbreez ヶ月 前
Holy shit this was bad
RITHIN DAS RA1711002010456
RITHIN DAS RA1711002010456 ヶ月 前
I don't give fuck about Corrina my whole family got together without fooking masks
ayeyobossman ヶ月 前
immediately skip bert kreischer
Tiffany S
Tiffany S ヶ月 前
Last guy was funniest
Brendan Schoen
Brendan Schoen ヶ月 前
Wow judge my day more Netflix!
sandra setin
sandra setin ヶ月 前
Love m all John My fav!!!
rustyz8 ヶ月 前
You're making it wrong if your turkey is dry.
Anglic Mind
Anglic Mind ヶ月 前
What's the name of the 1st and 3rd stand-up comedians guys? Thanks in advance
Akshat Desai
Akshat Desai ヶ月 前
john mulaney and ronny chieng
Jade Laurel
Jade Laurel ヶ月 前
How is it that Canada and the US celebrate festivities by cooking turkeys at least twice a year and everyone accepts a shitty dry turkey? I feel sorry for people who eat dry turkey, but don't blame the birds, blame the chef. Who's cooking these turkeys? Who are the people buying turkeys and cooking them so poorly that people are under the impression that turkey is just a dry meat? Lol I don't get it. Never had a juicy turkey in your life? So you have to eat a dry ass bird twice a year? Makes me wish I could cook a turkey dinner for people. We've been eating turkey for thousands of years, I can cook a boss turkey, and screw buying a dead turkey from a torture farm. There are turkeys freaking everywhere. Someone in your family has to know how to shoot a turkey with an arrow and pluck it, come on. It isn't hard. You can use a gun if you're a solid shot and can get it in the head. I wouldn't recommend it otherwise though. A turkey being juicy means nothing if it's full of lead. If you do kill your bird, thank it for its sacrifice to feed you family, and put a little tobacco down for it. I know you guys celebrate Thanksgiving but our way is to thank animals whose lives are given up to keep us alive year round. Plus I think that makes it taste better. Turkey farms produce traumatized and abused birds. Tbh I'm just a bit mystified by this revelation. So white people came here, we fed them bomb turkey dinners, so they decided to eat them in an annual celebratation our genocide and oppression, and for two centuries, we have been told we can't amend Thanksgiving because it's too precious to slightly change it to include some respect for the people who were here for tens of thousands of years, and you guys have hated the turkey this entire time? What? Here's the deal, if you guys change Thanksgiving to stop celebrating our near extinction via genocide, we'll teach you how to cook a turkey. No one is asking to make Thanksgiving go away, we have turkey dinners too, just make it less about glorifying Puritans and forget about Columbus, and more about building a relationship of respect and mutual future interests. Columbus was a rapist and murderer who never stepped foot on the continent of North America, he wiped entire populations out and thought he was in India for fucks sake, cut him out of celebrations. I think that's a fair deal. I genuinely do want to save people from eating terrible food that's actually juicy and delicious if you cook it right. Wait. I'm doing what my ancestors did. Why do I feel like feeding poor white people starved of decent food for Thanksgiving lol. I think we've been here before.. No wait. I have demands. Must be the white blood in me..
Berg ヶ月 前
Anyone notice the similarity to Gary Owen in Bert Kreiser's first minute?
howard cheng
howard cheng ヶ月 前
I don’t quite understand the first one lol
Bruja Afrikana
Bruja Afrikana ヶ月 前
"FUCK TURKEY, ITS DRY!!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Who's the Asian guy
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